On finding your real purpose
Or, my alternative title for this post... "your purpose is who you are, not what you do”. Let me elaborate.
I’m thinking more and more that the way we measure success/life/each other is all wrong. We’ve been conditioned to be defined by numbers. Exam grades, qualifications, job title and remuneration, position on the property ladder - like what we do and what we have is who we are.
I say this at a point in my life when much of that has been stripped back. Decisions we’ve made as a family, with the long game in mind, have meant that, for now, we’re forced to live a simpler existence. Don’t get me wrong, there’s not much romance in having a ‘simpler’ household income - money really does create freedom and choice and some options feel strictly ‘off limits’ right now - but it has definitely encouraged us to re-evaluate and value the true riches.
Image: Sianna Sherman Samuel
Take this weekend, for example. Our best friends came to visit and I went into my usual planning/organising mode and had found places for us to go, activities for us to do, spots for us to eat and drink - but then, Hurricane Ophelia forced us to change our plans. The children happily played indoors, we sat around our dining table and enjoyed lunch WITHOUT the worry about other diners or forcing the kiddos to sit still, we took a walk when there was a break in the rain. And, guess what, the children’s favourite part was collecting conkers! Collecting conkers?! In a weekend that could have been packed with things to entertain our guests, what the little people really wanted were the simple pleasures of playing, inside and out.
But living simply, without those metrics, has really knocked my self-esteem. Truthfully, I’ve felt this way since my return to work after maternity leave turned sour and I ended up being mummy full-time. Often the first thing people ask on meeting is the age-old “so what do you do?” question. Maybe it was my own awkwardness around it but, so often, I felt judged - like I had to justify that I’m not a kept-woman or ambition-less. That awkwardness is amplified now both boys are in school a few days a week. I feel the need to explain what I do with my “spare time” lest I be badged as, gasp, a housewife.
Call us crazy but stripping away job titles and their associated earnings has created space for us to become really conscious of who we are outside of those ‘badges’. But having that job title as an identity is intoxicating and hard to come off.
Even now, as I am carving out my direction, it’s automatic to be planning what I should do and overlooking the real question…
When I worked in the corporate world - with the identity that came from having a job and income and, as it looked to the outside world, a career path - I was unhappy and felt I was playing a game I didn’t want to win. As a full-time mummy I haven’t felt completely fulfilled as I felt like ‘being me’ was on the backburner. When I was trying to be mummy with a side-gig, I felt fake as I was just chasing an income to feel I was contributing financially. Right now, I feel I need a job title or a label to explain myself to other people just to plug the empty gap. I’ve almost let the need for approval from others win out.
But, after absorbing myself in the world of personal development for over twenty years now, it always comes back to one question…
Who do you want to be?
Let’s take a pause and let that sink in. Not what do you do. Who do you want to be?
Even with the big picture we get it wrong - at least I have. We talk about finding ‘life purpose’ as something you do. It’s actually something that little gang of 5 and 3-year olds knew this weekend, collecting conkers. And something we knew at their age too.
Your purpose is, and always has been, being truly you - following your bliss. The things that brought you joy as a child, or that bring you joy now, they play a part. Your purpose is the true you in all areas of your life - yes, what you do, your contribution is very much a part of that, but it is just one part. And what you get out of it - those measures - are a by-product.
Let me loop back to the beginning. I know the metrics of work and income and living expenses are part and parcel of our functioning society but it’s all extrinsic… and the more I chase that as my intention, the further away I feel from that intrinsic, inner contentment.
If who I want to be is authentic and happy and fulfilled then it’s going to take a little bit of reinvention and course correction… and that means living without the identity of a label for a little while. No title, no status. It means not filling the gap that other people might see/question.
